are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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