she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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