That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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