Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
