The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
