He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
