I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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