what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I want her autograph on my taint
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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