I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Randomize
