She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
