I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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