This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
