just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
