The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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