I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
