How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
