I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
