Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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