mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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