matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
