I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize