so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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