In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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