my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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