drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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