i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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