My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
