Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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