I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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