So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
