I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
