You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize