I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
