I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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