A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
