Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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