he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
