There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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