she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
