I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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