Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
