3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
