Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
