Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
