Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
