just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
