she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
