I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
