if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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