Your face is a jimmy john
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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