Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
