Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
