my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
