i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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