i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
