And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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