im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
