Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
ugly people sure do ruin things
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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