I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
