Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize