i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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