If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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