I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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